DEAR DADs: Stop Beating the Hell Out of Yourself
Fathers don’t need more shame, they need a backbone and a plan.
If you’re a father, it means you’re carrying weight other people don’t see, don’t understand, and don’t respect until you drop it.
And somewhere along the way, a lot of men have decided that the “responsible” thing to do was to treat themselves like shit for feeling that weight.
No Grace | No Patience | No Mercy
A father’s self-hatred is dressed up as discipline, yet it isn’t a display of self-flagellating strength; it’s a slow suicide.
You don’t become a better man by bullying yourself into the ground.
You become a better man by having your back, just as you swore you would have your family’s.
You wouldn’t talk to your son the way you talk to yourself, and you wouldn’t look your daughter in the eye and tell her she’s a disappointment every time she makes a mistake. But you do it to yourself daily and act shocked when your confidence is in the gutter, and you’re emotionally unavailable at home.
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Grace doesn’t mean you let yourself off the hook.
Grace means you stop acting as if your mistakes prove you’re worthless. Grace means you stop turning every stumble into a life sentence. Grace means you tell yourself the truth; that you’re not a bad man because you’re behind in some areas, but rather, that you’re a human being trying to carry too much for too long without a real system.
Real grace is found in shifting the mindset to, “I’m not going to hate myself anymore… and I’m also not going to let myself stay like this.”
Time is passing, whether you feel ready or not.
Your kids are growing whether you get your act together or not, and the terrifying truth is that you don’t get extra years tacked onto the end because you were stressed, depressed, busy, or stuck.
The seasons keep moving, birthdays keep coming, and one day you’re going to look up and realize you spent the best years of your family’s life half-present and half-running on fumes while stressed about the future.
This isn’t about becoming perfect; it’s about becoming present.
I want you to become the kind of man who can look his family in the eyes without feeling like a fraud. The kind of man who doesn’t need to fake confidence because he earned real pride, and the kind of man who doesn’t flinch when life gets hard because you built yourself into someone reliable.
Confidence is not a personality trait; it’s a byproduct of keeping promises to yourself.
That’s why treating yourself like shit is such a disaster.
It trains you to distrust yourself, and every time you say, “I’m going to start tomorrow,” and you don’t, you’re teaching your brain that your word means nothing.
And when your word means nothing to you, everything else becomes shaky, like your mood, your patience, your motivation, your leadership at home…
You can’t lead your household while you’re abandoning yourself.
Speak to yourself like a man you’re responsible for, because you are. Stop waiting to “feel better” before you do better; doing is what creates the feeling.
Action first, emotion later; that’s how it works for men, whether we like it or not, so get your ass in gear, not from hatred, but from love.
Love for your kids who deserve a father with energy, confidence, and consistency.
Love for your wife, who deserves a man who’s not always one bad day away from shutting down.
Love for the future version of you who wants to enjoy his family rather than just survive them.
Somewhere along the way, men began believing that suffering is the price of admission for being a good dad. As if when you aren’t exhausted and miserable, you must not be working hard enough.
That’s a lie.
You’re not here to be a burnt-out provider who dies inside quietly while everyone benefits from your sacrifice.
You’re here to build a life you actually want to live.
You’re here to become a man your kids feel safe around, not a man they have to tiptoe around. You’re here to create connections, not just coverage. You’re here to be remembered as present, not just responsible.
But you don’t get that by hating yourself into shape; you get that by deciding, today, that you are worth your own effort.
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Take the pressure off the fantasy
Stop thinking you have to become “the best man alive,” as that’s not the mission. The mission is to become the best man you can be, as soon as you can, and then to continue improving, not because you’re broken, but because you’re called to a higher level, and success begets success.
Pick a few non-negotiables and protect them as if your family depends on them, because they do. Your sleep, your training, eatinglean food most of the time, and creating a daily check-in with yourself…
Take the ten minutes of quiet before you walk into the chaos, and go have the one hard conversation you’ve been avoiding.
That’s how you rebuild, brick by brick, and it’s not with motivation, but rather with new (and higher) standards.
And when you screw up, you will, don’t spiral into self-hatred. Just correct it by adjusting, moving forward, and not allowing yourself to quit on yourself anymore.
Give yourself grace, then earn your respect.
The best gift you can give your family is not a father who “does everything”; it’s a father who becomes someone who loves themselves. Someone who is steady, strong, and connected. Give your family someone who can laugh without guilt, rest without shame, lead without fear, and love without the background noise of self-contempt.
Time is passing, your kids are growing, and your window is open right now…
Go have your own back.
- Zac Small