Presence Is the Point
Why the loud, messy, question-filled days at home are not a problem to solve, but a gift you’ll never get back.
You don’t need another reminder to buy more crap…
Every ad in your feed is already screaming that at you.
What you do need is a reminder that your kids will not remember 99% of the gifts you buy this year, but they’ll remember whether you were actually there with them, or just in the room while your mind was somewhere else.
This is an article about presence.
Not “quality time” as a slogan, but actual, patient, peaceful presence.
The holiday break is coming for you if it’s not already arrived, and that means the house is about to get loud, routines will get wrecked, schedules will be chaos, and a lot of parents will spend the next few weeks snapping at their kids, then feeling guilty, then zoning out on their phones to escape the very life they say they’re working so hard to build.
Let’s not do that.
1. I’m not making any of this up to push my pro-family message.
We can talk about “being present” in a fluffy Instagram way, or we can talk about what’s actually happening in your kid’s brain.
When you stop, look your children in the eye, and help them ride out complex feelings instead of shutting them down, you’re helping build the part of their brain that handles stress, frustration, and self-control.
All research shows that supportive, emotionally available parenting is linked to better mental health, fewer behavior problems, and better social skills over time.
So when you take a breath instead of barking, when you choose to sit on the floor for 10 minutes and listen to their nonsense story, you are not “wasting time”, you’re investing in your child’s future self.
You are doing high-level nervous-system engineering on your own children.
2. Peaceful parenting is not what’s “making today’s kids weak”.
“Peaceful parenting” gets dismissed by some as soft, permissive, or weak; that’s not been my experience, and it’s not what I’ve witnessed in the lives of my friends who parent the same way.
Adults who build their parenting method around positive discipline and mindful, respectful parenting lower their parental stress and improve their children’s behavior and cooperation.
It shouldn’t surprise you that families who aren’t at war against each other can create a beautiful harmony in their home, even when things go off the rails, like they tend to do around the holidays.
Peaceful parenting does not mean:
“My kids run the house.”
“I never say no.”
“I let them walk all over me because I’m trying to be gentle.”
Peaceful parenting does mean:
I regulate myself first, so I’m not another out-of-control person in the room.
I hold clear boundaries, but I don’t humiliate, threaten, or hit my kids into compliance.
I remember they are immature humans learning how to be people, not tiny adults trying to ruin my day.
Adults are supposed to be the emotional thermostat of the house.
When you stay regulated, you give your kids something solid to attach to, even when the holiday schedule is all over the place.
3. The noise is not the problem; it’s the evidence.
Kids at home for the holidays ask a million questions, argue with their siblings, make messes, and forget the rules 15 seconds after you say them.
That’s not “bad behavior”, that’s childhood.
Kids learn to regulate themselves via trial and error and through relationships, especially in everyday, frustrating, distracting situations.
It’s like animals that you see biting and wrestling with each other; they aren’t trying to kill each other, they’re learning. Humans are more logical creatures; instead of biting each other, we ask questions and challenge one another’s minds.
Every:
“Why?”
“But how come?”
“Watch this, watch this, WATCH THIS.”
…is your child trying to understand the world and their place in it.
You don’t have to enjoy every second; this isn’t about pretending it’s all magical. By all means, draw your boundaries and let them know when you need space, but if you can shift from “Make it quiet” to “How do I want to show up in this noise?” you’ll change the game.
4. The enemy in the room isn’t your kid; it’s your distraction.
The biggest threat to “presence” in parenting isn’t the kids, it’s the phone.
When parents are absorbed in their devices around their kids, they talk less, make less eye contact, and are less responsive. Kids respond with more anger, sadness, and attention-seeking behavior.
Recent reviews of “technoference” (technology interfering with parent-child interaction) link heavy parental phone use to weaker attachment, more behavior problems, and poorer language development in young children.
The more you scroll while they’re talking,
The more you “just answer this one email,”
The more you “check something real quick” in the middle of their story or game…
…the more you train them to feel unimportant, and the more you force them to escalate to get your attention.
You don’t need to be a perfect monk with your phone, but if we’re honest, most of us are not “occasionally checking”, we’re hiding in our screens to cope with stress, boredom, and anxiety.
During the holidays, when kids are home more and structure is less, that temptation ramps up, and so does the cost of not being present.
5. How to practice “presence”
You’re still human, still tired, still have work, bills, and your own stuff going on.
So let’s keep this practical.
1. Block Time Away From Tech
Pick 15–30 minutes in two parts of the day where:
No phone in hand
No TV in the background
No multitasking
You’re on the floor, at the table, in the yard; you’re 100% with them; let them choose the game, the story, the activity.
These small windows punch way above their weight in terms of connection and regulation. Research on mindful, attuned parenting shows that even modest shifts in attention and responsiveness move the needle on family stress and child outcomes.
2. Breathe In, Breathe Out
When the house hits peak volume, instead of immediately yelling “EVERYBODY STFU,” try:
Taking one slow breath,
Rolling your shoulders,
Saying to yourself (even if through gritted teeth), “Alright, it’s loud in here, that’s okay. Let’s channel this.” then handle it like an adult.
Then redirect:
“All that energy, take it outside for 10 minutes.”
“Everybody grab a pillow, we’re doing a 5-minute wrestling pile.”
“Okay, let’s go do something that burns some energy.”
You’re not repressing the energy; you’re leading it.
3. Use curiosity before correction
When a kid is melting down, instead of, “Stop crying, you’re being ridiculous,” try:
“What just happened?”
“Are you more mad or more sad?”
“Want to go for a walk real quick?”
This kind of emotional guidance is exactly the kind of parental behavior tied to better emotional regulation and fewer behavior problems over time.
You still set limits, still say no, but you’re not trying to shame them out of having feelings.
4. Have a plan for your own stress
Parents aren’t robots.
Studies on parental emotion regulation show that when parents are overwhelmed, kids’ mental health takes a hit, partly because stressed parents become harsher or more checked-out.
You need a tiny toolkit you can actually use in real time:
10 deep breaths in the bathroom with the door closed.
A 5-minute walk outside after dinner.
Texting your spouse: “I need 10.”
This isn’t selfish; it’s maintenance; a regulated parent is one of the best “protective factors” a child can have.
5. Make “presence” concrete, not abstract
Before the holidays really hit, ask yourself:
When will I be intentional with my kids each day?
Where do phones live during those windows?
What traditions (small or big) are we repeating this year?
Presence is not a vibe; it’s repeated, scheduled choices.
6. The question to sit with
At the end of this holiday season, your kids won’t be able to list every gift, but they will have absorbed an answer to one question:
“When I was loud, needy, emotional, excited, and fully myself, did my parent make room for me or did they make me feel like a problem to be managed?”
You won’t get it right every day, no one does.
But if you decide now that “presence from parents” is the gift you’re actually giving this year, you’ll start acting differently:
You’ll pocket the phone a little more.
You’ll breathe before you bark.
You’ll welcome a little more noise and a few more interruptions.
You’ll catch yourself and repair when you screw it up.
That’s peaceful parenting in the real world.
Not Perfect | Not Passive | 100% Committed
This holiday season, let the kids be kids.
Your job is to be the adult who shows up fully, patiently, and on purpose.
That’s the presence they’ll carry for the rest of their lives.
- Zac Small