How to Deal with Daughters Dating
A better guide than, "clean the shotgun".
(This is article 1/10 in the drafts I am clearing out)
My daughter has a boyfriend.
At 11 years old, I figured it was bound to happen, and you know what?
With all of the talks we’ve had, all of the books I’ve read, blogs listened to, conversations and podcasts recorded with Anthony Migliorino, I was prepared to handle this in a better manner than fathers following the, “I’ll be cleaning my shotgun when that boy shows up” approach.
Men’s fear of their daughter’s dating is a massive projection of their failings:
”She’ll be taken advantage of.” = You haven’t shown her how to defend boundaries with people.
“These boys only have on thing on their mind.” = You haven’t spoken to her about sex, intimacy, or how to ensure that she is in control of what happens to her body.
“I’ll kill any boy who lays a hand on her” = Fair game, I’m in agreement, and punishment will fit the crime.
“I’ll be waiting on the porch, cleaning my shotgun.” = You lack respect in yourself, and from those around you; your tiny persona and confidence must be masked by overreactive behaviors, like cleaning a weapon as if you’d shoot a teen for no reason. You wouldn't do it and that boy knows it, your daughter knows it, everyone knows it, and they also know how sad you are inside.
“She’ll wait to date until marriage” = This isn’t about her, at all; this is about you not wanting to have the tougher and at times, more uncomfortable conversations with your child. You don’t want them to live their best life, you want them to live the best life that keeps you comfortable.
Here’s what my experience has been like
From day #1 my daughter’s boyfriend was welcomed into our family with open arms; because, as a family, we operate under the belief that what’s one, is all.
What I need, they support.
What my wife needs, we support.
What both my son and daughter need, we support.
If one of us says someone is cool, then that person is welcomed into our little circle without question, we trust one another so much, that we know they would not bring someone who was not, “one of us” into our circle because we’re so protective of the peace and connection in this home.
Reminder: As a family of four, we moved over 650 miles to a house + town and site unseen, no friends, no family, just a sense of adventure and pursuit of our peace; we did this with the steadfast belief that no matter where you put us, we’ll make it a great time.
This family is locked in.
Because we trust one another, this young man has been given the respect I offer to any adult man out the gate, and he’s done nothing to lose that, if anything, I like him more now than when we met.
As for who your daughter will choose, she’ll choose someone who aligns with her values, not from peer pressure or status but genuine attraction. If you have a daughter who is always picking people who hurt her, you should ask why she seeks that trait in people, is she trying to fix someone because that’s what she saw your wife do to you, or is it a feeling of “deserving the pain:” because dad made her feel valueless by abandoning her?
These conversations can get deep, real fast and I’m not looking to twist the knife on any man who may be relating to these shortcomings, but the facts are what they are and I have seen this story play out too many times to pretend that it isn’t a common issue. We need to address these subpar things within ourselves and our relationships because they will reflect in the relationships of those following us, and trusting us to guide them in life.
My daughter chose a great athlete from a wonderful family; a kid who has shown kindness to her and been respectful to me and my wife. This experience with her having her first boyfriend has been a different type of thing to navigate, but it’s been easy as well because it’s just another topic on another day, we’re who we are, and we support one another as we navigate through life.
That’s not by chance, that’s a reflection of Jackie and I’s parenting.
- Zac Small
PS: If you want to read about how to talk to your kids about dating, sex, and relationships but you aren’t sure how to bring it up without being weird, I’ll be writing an article for paid subscribers on this after the draft series is done.