Marriages should age like Wine, not Milk.
Are you building up or breaking down???
The best thing I did when I got married was decide not to give up who I was for who I thought a “married me” should be; even back then, I knew that your relationship status should not define your character.
When you get married, people expect things to start declining in your mental health, physique, hobbies, sex life, and joy.
It should be the opposite.
Yet, here we are, looking at Dad-Bods, dealing with Wine-O Moms, and listening to zombies say things like, “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. I’m not making this shit up to have something to write about; men get weird when they get married. Many out there view marriage as “getting the girl,” once they’ve got her, what’s the point in trying to remain an attractive male?
She loves you for you until death, right?
If you are still in the process of finding the right woman, there are tools to help you start on the right foot. I’ll share one example:
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Keep Yourself You
To ensure your relationship stays as young, vibrant, and satisfying as possible, you must keep the light inside you shining. That sense of wonder, the desire to “prove something to the world” (and your girl), and the fresh experience of exploring the body of the woman you love…
It would be best to find a way to keep it all new and push yourself to move through life in perpetual immersion.
The moment you begin to take your life or wife for granted is when you lose pace with the world and start to lag.
You cannot go through the years with someone and expect them to be entertained and attracted to your routine of existence without experience. The same way, the same moves, the same meals, the same friends, the same hobbies…
Humans are meant to live a free life, not find a tolerable pattern that is “good enough” to replicate daily for the next 60 decades.
The lack of connection in most long-term relationships/marriages stems from one’s lack of integration into life. How can you or your wife ever feel anything for one another when your time is spent looking at the lives of others? Or, how is going through a daily loop that has you knowing precisely what your next 52 weeks will look like, and if extended long enough, you know how you will live and die - how does that fit into keeping you and your spouse excited and making new memories together?
Snap out of the conditioned apathetic living and allow yourself to be hungry for life again. Let that fire inside, which may have been snuffed out over ten years ago, return; there’s always an ember burning within a man; he needs to fan it and add some fuel to get those logs of discipline, desire, and adventure to return.
Your marriage is great when you stop allowing it to be a “lifestyle”.
“Married Life” means nothing except you’re with a woman you committed to for life; in no way does it mean it’s time to play it safe, take it easy, or slow down; in fact, you should be doing the opposite in all aspects to keep things from settling too far down and getting stuck.
The burden is on your shoulders to:
Start laughing with your wife again.
Snap the two of you from the trance of “just being a mom or dad”.
Get each other to develop yourselves again; a strong marriage consists of two strong individuals working together.
Driving the daily engagement towards flirtatious and fun “Dating” again, don’t let the severity of life get you two too serious.
Remember why you connected your lives in the first place.
Marriages are “saved” when men snap themselves out of the hypnotized trance and get back to holding the steering wheel of their life; it’s only then that one can see the pathetic state their relationship has fallen into, and it is only then that the path to salvation can be found.
What Right Looks Like
What happens when you take the steps above and put the work into cultivating both yourself and fostering an environment that allows those in your family to develop optimally?
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For starters, you enjoy your time again.
You get back to laughing and having lighthearted fun together; far too many marriages out there consisting of underfucked and overcritical spouses; it’s depressing as it’s preventable.
You aren’t walking on eggshells, afraid to rock the boat or upset anyone anymore; you get to enjoy your time and engagement with one another each day, event, and milestone. Parties aren’t precursors to fights; time together isn’t time being annoyed or picking/getting picked on by another.
Your life improves when your spouse is around.
You have trusted counsel.
Who knows you better than the person who spends every day with you?
Probably a lot of people because nobody talks about real-world goals, fear, ambitions, and/or concerns inside most homes and marriages. When you get it right, you have someone who understands the inner workings of your mind better than anyone else out there.
Jackie has seen me grow since 16; she knows what works, what doesn’t, how I’m wired, and what it takes to get me out of a slump.
That’s a connection you can’t buy.
You know what works and doesn’t
Like above, you and your spouse both know what each other likes sexually, throughout the day, what types of foods, movies, shows, and pastimes lead to positive moments and those which are best avoided.
I know how to touch, talk, and confront Jackie better than any other human being because I have logged thousands of hours into our development, and I’ve had a front-row seat to see her go from High School Cheer Captain to Mother of Two and throughout that process, I’ve witnessed it all, highs/lows/everything in-between.
Looking back, she’s seen the same, and while people on the outside are there cheering me on and supporting the content, sobriety, and message, only Jackie knows how I tick on the inside.
This type of relationship allows her to point out things I may not have seen in myself, from stress to overlooking an obvious item in my path; having Jackie is like having another set of eyes on the map as I steer our family through life. Again, that’s loyalty and connection you cannot buy; it must be built.
You get to see the long-term connection.
You don’t see people evolve to their best selves if you only watch them for one month or even one year. To be with someone for a decade and to watch them grow from who they were to the person they’ve chosen to be, you can see real growth, change, and evolution throughout life.
Few people maintain long-term relationships; friendships, marriage, and working relationships are fleeting for many, and yet, those who’ve found a way to manage them properly are literally intertwined with that person and know all it took to get to where they are and understanding the effort and commitment to the cause which exists.
Seeing a person change their health, wealth, or mindset is one thing…
It’s a completely different thing to work with another as the two of you overhaul your health, wealth, mindset, and connection to one another simultaneously, individually, and together.
When you dial your marriage in, everything gets better, from the sex and love to the enjoyment of life and the ability to navigate stress. Pressure causes the best marriages to shine brighter, not break apart, and the only thing stopping you from living that type of life is the choice you make now after reading this piece.
- Zac Small
