Day 10: The People Who Hurt You
This one is going to ask something of you.
In case you haven’t realized it yet, each of these days is pushing you further and further within yourself, and there is a good reason for that. When I went sober the first time, it opened my eyes to all of the turmoil I carried around, and how I felt like I had to live and be a certain way. At some point in my life, I forgot what life without alcohol in it felt like. I forgot what it was like to dream, to not be inflamed, and to experience true rest and recovery.
After I started to remember those feelings within me, I also started to look at the things outside of myself, the people who facilitated, accelerated, or straight endorsed my slow suicide. Remember from our previous discussion on this, alcohol “kills” a certain part of your “self".
I want you to think of these people, and not from the lens of forgiveness, not from any sort of understanding, and not with any excuses. I am not going to ask you to sit down with them or make a phone call; I’m just asking for honesty here.
I want you to be honest and willing to look at the people who were part of building the environment that shaped you, and acknowledge their role in the story without either blaming them for everything or protecting them from the truth.
Somewhere in your history, there are people who hurt you…
Maybe it was a parent who drank and modeled that drinking was how you handled hard things.
Maybe it was someone who abused you, physically, emotionally, or sexually, and left a mark on you that you have been medicating ever since.
Maybe it was a community that normalized something that should not have been normalized, leaving you defenseless for the sake of “keeping the peace”.
Maybe it was someone who left, or someone who stayed and should have left, or someone who was present in body and absent in every other way that mattered.
Maybe it was growing up with “less” across the board; less connection in the home, less money for stuff, less fitting in or being accepted by others, just “less” from life, which understandably builds resentment within…
I am not asking you to prosecute these people; I am asking that you to stop protecting them at your own expense.
I’ve worked with countless men while writing articles and recording podcasts and YouTube videos for The Family Alpha and running the men’s community The Fraternity of Excellence, which exposed me to a wide range of unique personalities and walks of life. I have learned so much from these men, and I have taken the lessons they shared and made them fit best into my life.
One thing I have learned across all of these experiences with these men is that most people spend their lives minimizing what was done to them. People will say things like “it was not that bad” when talking about clear abuse or manipulation, then follow it up with “they did the best they could” as if there is no possible way they could have done more, while there are countless examples where people could have done more. This book is an example of that; you are reading it while many more addicts wouldn’t even consider taking such a step.
I think the worst mental gymnastics used to protect someone else is the oft-used, “plenty of people had it worse than me,” which in absolutely no fucking way defends or spares evil from being evil.
When covering for others, we are doing something that feels like grace but is actually a form of self-abandonment. We are deciding that our pain is not real enough to deserve acknowledgment; we are choosing their comfort over our own healing.
That is not a strength; that is survival, and it costs you the chance to reclaim your life.
You cannot heal from wounds you refuse to acknowledge, and you cannot set down the weight you insist you are not carrying.
The people who hurt you, whether they meant to or not, whether they are still in your life or not, whether they deserve your grace or not, left marks on you. Those marks have been influencing your relationship with alcohol, so today, we look at them.
Not to burn anything down or destroy a relationship; do not send a message you will regret. But always remember that you’re holding this book because you had to live the full story, not just the edited recap people like to recall. It’s okay to blame and speak the truth, not just the parts that are easy to say out loud.
Your Day 10 Sober Challenge
Write an unsent letter to someone who hurt you and played a role in the environment that shaped your drinking.
You will never send this letter, this is not about them…
This is about you getting the words out of your body and onto paper, where they cannot fester anymore.
Say everything, leave nothing out, and when you are done, put it somewhere you can find it, because in a few days we are going to talk about what you do with what you just wrote.
- Zac