The Daily Draft Discussions Ep. 004: Certified Attachment Bro Adam Lane Smith
Adam answers 5 questions about healthy attachment.
This is the fourth episode of The Daily Draft Discussions, a series where I interview friends and family, asking each 5 questions to gain insights from their unique perspectives in life.
Interview #004 with Adam Lane Smith MA Psych. Retired Psychotherapist turned Relationship/Emotional Attachment Specialist.
Zac: Adam! How are you doing, brother? Before I pick your brain with the questions below, I'd like to let everyone know who it is they're about to get to know better. So, how has your week been? How are you and the family doing? Importantly, who is Adam Lane Smith, and what key points should we know about you?
Adam:
Hey there, Zac!
Me and my family are weathering the cold Fall up here in the frozen North. We expect snow to start falling sometime this month or next. And with the snow will come my 5-year anniversary inside the Fraternity of Excellence. I can't believe it's been that long since you and I started working together on being better husbands and fathers.
Along with that comes the evolution of my own work.
When we met, I worked as a licensed psychotherapist specializing in trauma and attachment. You helped encourage me as I took my attachment work global and built a social media brand around teaching people what attachment means and why it dictates the quality of our lives (more on that later). You've been with me the whole way, and I'm honored to tell my story here today.
Question #1
Zac: Adam, you've become the "Attachment Bro" and so it makes sense to start with the question, what drove you to choose this specific element of the human experience to focus your work on?
Adam:
Attachment is something the mental health and medical communities disregard as unimportant, which is wild because attachment is the foundation of our experience as human beings. When it works, it's great. When it's broken, our lives become a living hell. Everything is thrown off. So many diagnoses and life challenges stem from attachment issues. That's why I retired as a psychotherapist to coach attachment internationally; talking about attachment has blown up my social brand, so now I live stream on TikTok 6 times a week and have 200k followers there, learning how to build healthier relationships.
Imagine TikTok as a place to teach healthy relationships. But my followers are improving their dating lives, building stronger marriages, and overcoming lifetimes of pain to feel better in themselves.
That's the power of learning about attachment.
Question #2
Zac: When it comes to attachment, do you believe technology is playing a role in people's perceptions of the value relationships offer? Are things like video calls and social media adding to people's experiences with relationships via steady connection, or are they making them more difficult to maintain?
Adam:
Attachment has been breaking in the West for the last 100 years. Studying this decay has been part of my life's work. But attachment issues are escalating out of control with the rise of technology which allows for more unhealthy behaviors than ever before from the convenience of your own sofa or bed. Brokenness has gone mainstream, and it will take a lot of work to fix the new problems.
At the same time, technology is opening up a lot of unique solutions to brokenness more than ever before, including people like me live-streaming my attachment work into phones all over the world so people can learn healthier relationship behaviors with the flick of a thumb. It's all in how technology is used, and younger generations are starting to learn how to use the Internet to heal generational problems.
Question #3
Zac: With your work on Attachment, what have you found to be the common causes of people's inability to maintain healthy attachments with themselves and others?
Adam:
Your childhood experiences teach you whether or not other people will act WITH you or act UPON you.
Parents who act with you can develop secure attachment where you believe you can cooperate with others to solve problems. You know they will act in good faith, that you deserve love and respect, and that you will try to cooperate with others everywhere possible.
That brings low stress.
Parents who act upon you, who provide inconsistent love, who hurt you, or who make you feel unworthy of love will break your attachment. The same can happen to children thrown into daycare too early or who start in the NICU and learn no one will comfort them when they cry. The brain, at that point, blames itself for everything that happens and forms the foundational belief that no one will ever help the child solve painful or scary problems.
The child may become approval-seeking if they think they're unlovable or may learn to push buttons or avoid intimacy if they come to believe the problem is other people being too unable to act in good faith.
We may also experience a third way which incorporates both the fear and the running along with the craving for control.
All of this leads to the belief that we must do everything alone without help.
That raises stress levels and makes us unable to form lasting relationships built on emotional intimacy, trust, or vulnerability. That gets worse when we get married and have children. And it's the biggest driver of divorce and mental health problems in kids.
Question #4
Zac: You know I'm a "solution-focused" man, so I just asked about the common causes; what would you say are the main actions people can take to start improving their attachment in relationships?
Adam:
Learn about attachment.
This shows you there's another way of living. Then meet people who have secure attachments. This will prove that there's hope you can change. The hardest part of attachment is believing it's even possible to open up to others at all because your brain will scream at you and tell you that opening up will get you hurt, attacked, or abandoned. You need to see a secure attachment, and you need guidance on how to open up without disaster.
I offer coaching to solve this issue. I also run a private community where people can see secure attachment play out with the group members and receive acceptance from them. And I sell my Attachment Bootcamp Course which walks people through a 10-step proven and repeatable system for fixing attachment. People can watch it alone or with their partner to overcome attachment issues, build emotional intimacy, and finally end the emotional pain and loneliness they've been living with.
Question #5
Zac: You created the Attachment Bootcamp Course. Is there an age limit or relationship status cutoff to fixing one's commitment to improved attachment? Put another way, is anyone a lost cause when it comes to repairing attachments?
Adam:
My Attachment Bootcamp Course is designed from the ground up to be accessible to any human being who wants to fix their attachment.
It's based on my 13 years of learning about Psychology, providing therapy, training other healthcare providers in attachment, and coaching attachment all over the world.
I have helped people in their 70s overcome attachment issues so they can teach the skills to their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. These are legacy skills people can and should hand down in their families to break generational patterns and create loving families for their descendants.
No one is a lost cause, so long as they want to do the work and are willing to give it a try.
(Use the code ‘ZAC’ to get 50% off 16 hours)
BONUS QUESTION
Zac: How does a person go about helping those around them improve their attachments? Fixing ourselves is great, but what about when we've dialed ourselves in and now we see those around us hurting? What's the best way to throw them a rope?
Adam:
We must fix our own attachment before we can invite others into healthier relationships.
Modeling healthier relationship behaviors and showing them how to live together cooperatively is a must for families looking to heal. And if you want to teach your children how to love each other and their own children better, you've got to master healthy attachment behaviors yourself.
This is mandatory learning for any parent who wants their children to thrive.
Zac - Adam, thank you for your time and for being a part of the Friday Family & Friends Series.
For everyone who’s made it through the interview, I will pass along any comments or questions to Adam. Leave them below, and I’ll be sure to let him know what you think or what questions you may have. And for everyone who has been gaining value from these interviews, I have many more lined up; make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss any; if you choose to become a paid subscriber, I’d like to say thank you in advance as I do not take a $1 for granted.
- Zac Small
For anyone interested in diving into Adam’s Attachment Bootcamp, take advantage of the 50% discount before it ends tonight. >GRAB THE COURSE< use the code ZAC to get your savings.